As I stated before, I have put great effort into ignoring the world around me over the last couple of years, but I feel I need to explain myself more clearly.

When I was green in this gray world, and believed all those beautiful things people would say to me, I enjoyed the company of the world and those in it.

I was alive; mentally, spiritually, emotionally.  I could feel the pulse of life and society flowing through my works and words- I truly believed this was a wonderful world filled with fantastic and wild wonders just waiting to be grasped.

As I exited my early teen years I was alive; mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, politically.  I knew I was green in a gray world and I knew the delicate upper crust and dreary underbelly of this world.  I stopped paying attention to the hype and saw the hypocrisy.  I noticed the knowledge and elated in the ethics of good Gedanken experiment- but really retained the view of its vacancy in the world.

As the days turned into daze and my life turned to bricks and mortars of knowledge, I was still alive.  I was still green and the world still gray, but I was no longer green in the way of salad, but now in the shade of jade.

I came across the opportunity to work for, and with, a successful politician from the State Senate.  I grasped with both hands, throwing my body into it all, and hopefully heaved my head above the grime of the gray and into the glittering gold of the politics and power.  Or so I thought.  In my misplaced glory, I forgot all that glitters is not gold.   My cynicism returned, and my jaded soul turned black.

That brings me to our title:

I was living (or not) as Schrodinger’s Gedanken Cat.  I turned off- I was simultaneously alive and dead.  I wearily walked through my day to day, from daze to daze.  I left the world of politics and law, I died.  I was dead; mentally, spiritually, emotionally, socially, politically.

Half-heatedly, I was  hoping there was something left to live for- to strive for- a way to change, to be, to feel, to live.

I strove for ignorance, praying for bliss- I accepted apathy so I couldn’t care, wouldn’t war, so I could stop screaming.

Then she came- I was alive emotionally, but still living the life of Schodinger’s Lazarian kitten.

I thank everyday that something again arose in me, or I would be undeniably dead today.  No longer was I able to be inconspicuously isolated, ineptly trudging through the world without thought or passion, she gave me pointed purpose, so I naturally proposed.

Still, I was that damned cat- and I hate cats.

Over the few months, slowly, begrudgingly, I awoke to hear it bouncing around me- the echoes of the world, shouting and screaming, asking me to come out and play.

Deliberately, I diminished my ignorance of the world around me- not seriously surprised the nothing of note had happened in my acute absence. Still, I was still.  Still, I was dead- ignorance abated, but apathy abundant.  I had gathered moss, and in my newly acquired state and service of husbandry, I did not know how to remove myself from my man-made hammock.  I was comfortable, no- I was quietly contented, and desperately desired a prodding, a call to action, and along came my ironically insipid source of inspiration.

Today I feel alive.  I remember what it was like to fight the good fight- to live among the inhabitants of this weary world, to feel the pulse quicken at the sound of hypocrisy and hate disguised as hope, to be alive!

Right now, I am astonished how the misguided musings of a maniacal half-wit hippy could shatter and shake my disdain for the ignorance I harbored for years, back into consciousness- how my inability to understand the unseen and unclean hypocrisies again arose in me the passion for this world I had once felt. Again, I see myself green with the world in the gray of the world, and I haven’t been happier.

Let’s just hope this feeling lasts.

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